Children's Journals

This is my journal, with posts mainly about myself. If you want to see posts specifically about Maia or Liam, check out the links to their journals under the "My Interests" section on the right side of my blog page.

Belly Picture Comparison

View Belly Picture Camparison for Second Pregnancy!

Thursday, July 29, 2010


Gladys Ogbin and Liam, May 2007
Early this morning, my paternal grandmother, Gladys Ogbin, passed away unexpectedly. I had only just found out 12 hours earlier that she was suffering kidney failure and would be put on dialysis. I was just squaring myself up to the fact that her time could be over soon and that I really needed to try to visit her more. As mentioned in my previous post, I was already suffering guilt at how little time I had spent with my maternal grandfather, Oscar. I hadn't seen my grandmother/Gladys since May, and hadn't seen my paternal grandfather, Robert Ogbin (same as my dad), in...well...I can't even remember. Shamefully it may have been a year or more. He's been in a nursing home for a few years, suffering from Parkinson's and dementia. I hadn't visited partly because it's not all that close, and partly because I know he really doesn't know I am there. But what kind of excuse is that? I should still have visited, and I could have at least gone for the benefit of my grandmother/Gladys, who was there on a daily basis watching over him.
Both my paternal grandparents had been admitted to the hospital over the weekend. My grandfather/Robert supposedly had pneumonia, and my grandmother/Gladys was jaundiced and feeling poorly, and blood tests showed some issues that needed to be addressed. I was working on figuring out when I could start visiting more often, and the things I wanted to talk about, to ask.
And then I got the call this morning. Grandmom had passed away early in the morning. They hadn't even gotten a chance to try the dialysis. She was gone. I had most definitely missed out on my chance here. The last one of the three we expected to go was the first to go. Without even a chance to say goodbye really. And I experienced my first real sense of loss. Those first stabbing pains of realization that I will never, EVER have the chance of seeing this person alive again. It almost seems surreal, even having seen her lying there in the if maybe it wasn't really her.

And I know that in the next few weeks, I will be losing both my grandfathers for sure...and I will have to endure that, too. I knew I would eventually lose my grandparents...people don't live forever. And I was prepared (as one can be) for the loss of either of my grandfathers, at some point. But to have all three go in such close proximity...

Oh god, I can't even figure out what I want to say anymore. I keep typing and deleting my thoughts. I feel like this moment deserves something deep and profound, but I can't seem to write that way. I don't know what to say. I can just be...I have lost my grandmother, and I am sad.

No comments:

Post a Comment