Losing out

I just found out that my best friend might be moving. It’s not a definite thing, but it’s something being seriously considered. And it’s not a move to somewhere nearby. This would be FAR. Way too far. And, well….I am upset. I know some people would say not to worry about something until it happens. But I have never been that kind of person. I worry about a lot of things, some too much, and some for valid reasons. And I guess I have always had this feeling that life is waiting to spite me (yes I know, they make drugs for that, I should look into it, I get it).  So when my best friend talks seriously about moving, it doesn’t feel much different than if she had said that the decision to move had already been made.

I am already upset by how little I get to see her. We both have busy lives. I was spoiled by weekly get-togethers with her, back when she lived much closer and had ready transportation. Now, though, she is a few towns further…still not that far, but it’s enough that weekly meet-ups are no longer possible, and sometimes it’s hard to even manage seeing her once a month. I hate it.

I also recently missed out on a big event in her life, something I had been looking forward to for a long time. She got married. It was not at all the wedding she had wanted and it was done the way it was because it was necessary for insurance purposes and they could not afford a large wedding. Since they couldn’t afford a wedding with a reception and feeding everyone, they ONLY invited family, because they would have never heard the end of it, and…well, it’s still a special celebration of two wonderful people joining…if nothing else, you at least want your immediate family there to share it with. But I still wanted to be there. I didn’t expect to be fed, and I would have been thrilled to just watch them join together as a married couple, offer my loving congratulations, and go on my way. But if they made an exception for me, they would have had to make it for everyone, and I guess not everyone would have been okay with not being fed/catered to. I personally would have just told people that it was only for immediate family and that if anyone insisted on being a part of the ceremony, it would just be to watch and there would be no ceremony. But then, I have always been weird like that…stating it like it is and not caring (much) if people objected…not if it made sense to me.

But…she has a different opinion on it, and she isn’t me, and so…I was not there. And it hurts. None of her friends were there, but it still hurts me that I couldn’t be there for something that I had looked forward to so intensely for years. I am trying to take consolation in the fact that at the 1-year mark, they are going to hold a mini-ceremony/celebration for their friends, to sort of relive the day. Not the same, but it’s something. But of course I worry that it might not happen, that finances will get in the way (though I don’t feel it really needs to cost anything…it can be potluck, I’ll bring music, etc…). And now, it might be that she won’t even live in this state, not even close. So I will have truly missed out.

Yes, I am whining about something that probably shouldn’t be that important. Most people probably wouldn’t care. But it matters to me. And it matters that I won’t be able to see my best friend as often. Even though we are having trouble seeing each other at least on a monthly basis, we were at least seeing each other…if she moves, that won’t happen. It will be a once (MAYBE twice) a year thing, if we can manage it. And that’s really hard to stomach.

I kind of feel like life is racing by me, swirling all around, and leaving me behind more and more. I can’t keep up with it. I am so busy trying to keep up with things, trying to manage the day-to-day workings of life, that my kids are growing up way too quickly and I am missing it…my friends are doing things and I am missing it (I can’t even find time to go see my best friend’s show)…weeks go by with hardly any time spent on knitting, my all-time favorite hobby. Important events are happening that I can’t seem to find time to make it to. There are world events going on and I don’t even know what they are. It’s autumn already and I don’t even remember much of summer, and Winter will be here in a few more teary blinks.

I can’t help wonder if I am being way too emotional about it all. I would say it’s “that time of the month” if it weren’t for the fact that that just passed. Has something changed recently to cause me to feel so strongly now? So emotional? So…confused by everything? Or am I not all that crazy to be totally upset at the prospect of losing my friend?

Don’t know…too confused to figure it out. Sad, isn’t it?